A horse with no name

As if anyone needed it, here's proof that I'm not the fittest person in the universe. I can't sit on a horse without getting out of breath. Bad, eh? It seems to me that the reason people ride horses (or used to, before cars)was to get from A to B by expending the least amount of energy. It can't be more tiring to sit on a horse than to sit in a car, can it? Oh yes it can. For a start, you are expected to do all the work! The lazy bugger underneath you isn't actually doing anything. He stands around looking pretty and licking his toenails while you sit on top squeezing with your knees, rocking back and forth and ineffectually digging your heels into his ribs. Eventually you may resort to a 'stick' which I've always called a 'whip' but let's not quibble since it is as ineffectual as you are. Can you get the idle git to move? Or even look up? Of course not. So the riding teacher might throw some soil at the horse's hindquarters (they are not only indolent but ignorant too - they seem to be scared of soil - oooh, look out Eric, it's that ninja dirt again!) which will spur it to a slow walk with you perched uncomfortably on top waving your legs about in an effort to encourage your animal into a trot. Not very dignified, let me tell you. If you are vigorous enough to force your horse to trot, you will find your self being smacked very hard on your bottom by your sulky horse's saddle.
Several times. This is called rising trot and should be undertaken only by those with numb bottoms (of course your bottom will become numb within a brief period but it is much less painful to start out that way) and excellent balance. Your feet should remain in the stirrups during this exercise, but don't be alarmed if you find yourself footloose and rein-free at any stage; the horse will snicker at its freedom (and at your complete lack of control). It is important to remember to retain control of your bowels whilst fighting the gravitational pull of the muddy, manurey ground a looooong way below. With the horse snickering, sneezing, headbutting stray ninja soil particles and farting, you could be forgiven for wondering what you are doing perched on this dangerous wild animal. The answer is simple. Once you have managed even a micro-second of correct technique the beauty, grace and joy of riding becomes immediately apparent. It really is the ONLY way to travel.